I am a desperately sad person, lonely and empty inside. The ugliness of age and bitterness creeping across my face. A mere shadow of my former self. Where once I believed a warrior princess dwelt within, now only a shamed and tormented old hag.
Tine, how it slips through your fingers! Misspent and wasted years, a monstrous mash of memories, moments, loves and regrets.
Ever since my earliest memories, a darkness has pervaded. The constant message that I’m not enough, ignored, unwanted, a cold mother, a practically absent father. I survived into adulthood only to find more of the same. Looking for love and finding pain and abuse. Failed relationship after another, a train wreck of a life.
Don’t get me wrong, I have had all of life’s blessings bestowed upon me at one time or another, I worked my backside off to make sure that myself and my children had as mush as I could provide. We’ve been on adventures and shared trips around the world, camped under a meteor shower and took midnight canoe rides. I have danced in the rain. But no matter all the good things that ever did come into my life, there has been this insipid dark void within. An endless beast of sabotage and ruin.
I sit here now and I’m only writing this because I’m on the brink of devastation AGAIN. Happiness has eluded me my whole life. Sure I’ve had fleeting moments of joy but REAL, deep down, contented, happiness has been but a dream. Forever seeking, hoping to find in the arms of another. Increasingly hard to find a connection since my children have grown and left home. I’m stuck in a pit of shame and regret. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know how to be a better person now.
Where there should be light in my heart, there is only a shrivelled, dried up, rotten core. How did it get to this? Am I really that toxic? I want to breathe life into my soul, I want a butterfly to emerge from a dark cocoon. I don’t know where to start. I have raced through life not really achieving anything and it appears that I have left a trail of destruction behind me.
I write now only to get out what’s in my head, going round and round. I thought of suicide but that would hurt my children so much, the thought of their pain stops me. So instead I have to feel my own horror. Feel sorry for myself, for the wasted time. I’ve spent years trying to find an answer, seeking for that thing that will make me whole. Read myriad books on spirituality and self help, tried even to heal myself through this blog…. but I fail persistently … I am worthless……empty, faded and getting old. It feels like there’s no hope for me now. You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. So what do I do now?
I try to remind myself ‘I AM Enough’ but the words are meaningless. I try so hard to remember who I am but I have forgotten. I keep thinking of the song ‘Love don’t live here anymore’ and am reminded that I abandoned ME. Got caught up in trying to be something to someone, over and over, thinking I would find that missing piece, for moments at a time almost believing I had. I don’t even know what is missing in me, I can’t let this misery be endless. I just don’t know what to do anymore. If you’re reading this I’m sorry for your wasted time. I just need to scream, I am here.